Why Can’t I Let Him Go?! :(

Let’s face it! I’m losing it! I’m losing my mind for a guy that gives a shit if I’m dead or alive. Sometimes in the beginning of the night, when the Sun rests from a long day, and the night obscurity, the Moon and all the stars come to replace it’s job, I wonder in my own thoughts lying on my backs on top of my bed… in those moments my mind play tricks with me and goes back to Him. I remember Him once more. I dream awake with our beloved day life that has never existed and probably will never see daylight, and I wonder: “That sure should be something I wouldn’t miss for anything in this world”. Once more I understand that all that is pure fantasy. I dream and love no more than an illusion, no more than a phantom, a spectrum that just lives in my head and not in the real world. Life sucks sometimes. Days pass when I don’t think at Him a single time. Others come where my mind reckless stupidity cross the field of truth to the most desired ‘what-if’ world of all possibilities and love… and there it endures…

Most recently I thought (in pure delirium) that He desired, even if just for some tiny little moment of his life, to hug me tight in his arms… Oh God, how pathetic I can become sometimes. He would rather die to hug me. “You don’t have what it gets.” He told me one time. It’s absolutely true. I don’t have the gift of let him go and be happy.